Monday, March 13, 2006

As central Illinois recovered from a tornado, and the rest of the state from rain storms, candidates for governor were quick to speculate on the cause of the bad weather. Republican Jim Oberweis, wearing a yellow poncho and carrying an umbrella, was quick to blame El Nino. "This reminds us of the dangers of letting people cross our borders illegally. The Hispanic population of the Chicago area is nearly fifteen percent. This has to have something to do with it." Oberweis went on to quote Marty Kovarik as saying that Topinka had suppressed memos predicting the tornado. "Bill Cellini has been a rainmaker for Topinka for a very long time. But, this time, he made a big storm," he quipped. Bill Brady, who is also running in the March 21st primary, said that school prayer was the answer. "The weather gods are not smiling on us," he told a dwindling audience at a lectern floating down the Illinois River. The rain storms had disrupted a press conference earlier in the day outside Brady's native Bloomington.

ABC's Andy Shaw said that the Governor's people were "still bailing" after what he called "Hurricane Claudette." The Hate Crimes Commission had been torched by angry demonstrators before it could be evacuated. Sister Claudette Muhammad, who was being carried out on a sedan chair, could not be reached for comment.

Former alderman Ed Eisendrath, the Blagojevich's primary opponent, said that corruption in the Governor's office was probably to blame. "A high pressure front on LaSalle Street collided with cool fronts along the Sangamon River to produce this terrible storm. We must redouble efforts to fight unethical behavior and ensure that it does not happen again, or that, at least, all state employees carry umbrellas." A spokesman from the Governor's office would neither confirm nor deny what Eisendrath said. "At this time, we have no knowledge that the Governor has had any dealings, financial or otherwise, with Tornado A. We will continue to ensure that he does not in the future."

Treasurer Judy Baar Topinka, frontrunner in the Republican primary, thought that last year's pension raids were probably to blame. "After all," she said, "The current Governor cannot expect a balanced budget to fall from the sky." She would not address unconfirmed reports that one had, last night, in the form of hail.

Mayor Daley was silent on the issue, but released a statement assuring voters that there would not be a repeat of the 1979 primary-day snow-storm. "While I can send hail and sleet to Springfield any time I want, I will not unleash bad weather on city hall" he said. 'That's what the US Attorney is for."
The above is a parody. Yes, that's right, a p-a-r-o-d-y, and nothing but. Still, keep those umbrellas out. It may be raining
chads.

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